Have you ever encountered a bad sports coach? Either in your own life or in the life of a child you love? I feel like we all have at one time or another. There are many things that can make for a terrible coach, like poor communication with parents, never on time or prepared for practice, or little-to-no knowledge of the sport they are supposed to be teaching. Many of these things I can forgive, especially when the person is a volunteer, but what truly upsets me is when a coach exhibits poor character or encourages and models behaviors I do not want my kids copying. I asked two of my kids in the car what coaches do that make them frustrated, and they said things like, “says one thing and then does another,” “doesn’t forgive a kid who makes a mistake,” and “has clear favorites and only coaches those kids.”  

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The responsibility of a coach is to teach and train, to guide and discipline, and sometimes to push an athlete to discomfort. But I think a coach’s responsibility is always to encourage and value the person, regardless of their ability to perform on the track or court. Effective coaching doesn’t involve shame, embarrassment, harassment, or promoting violence against opponents. Poor coaching can make kids angry and resentful, withdrawn, and maybe even drive them to quit the team. How a coach trains their athletes can lead to success and flourishing for the individuals and the team or discouragement, anger, and failure. Similarly, a parent, trying to train a child, has a lot of power to steer the child toward success or failure.

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Our passage today from Ephesians speaks specifically to fathers and how they are to interact and not interact with their children. Paul explains that they are to be in a teaching role, specifically imparting training that is “of the Lord.” What they are not supposed to do is exasperate their children, which means to irritate or frustrate them. Other translations say “provoke to anger.” Of course, children will at times be irritated or angry at their fathers, but this passage refers to either the intentionality or thoughtlessness of a father to cause a child to be upset, rather than training in a way that points them to Jesus. The motive of the father matters. Is he trying to make sure his kid behaves so he looks good? Trying to live vicariously through him? Or is he correcting a child so he or she will follow more closely the way of Jesus?

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If a father’s teaching and training is informed by the teaching of Jesus, his sinful desires and thoughts won’t be “calling the plays” just to get the kids’ total obedience or make that dad’s life easier.

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The Amplified Bible expands on the idea of provoking anger in this way: “Do not exasperate them to the point of resentment with demands that are trivial or unreasonable or humiliating or abusive; nor by showing favoritism or indifference to any of them” (6:4). I appreciate how this translation expands the idea of provoking to anger in ways that we can clearly see don’t align with the teaching of Jesus.

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The Message says that instead of frustrating your children with “no-win scenarios,” fathers should “take them by the hand and lead them in the way of the Master.” Humans will mess up parenting with our pride, selfishness, impatience, fear and anger, but the Master, Jesus, can show us the right way to teach children.

I know for certain that some of the men reading this are intentionally training your kids. You aren’t perfect, of course, but you seek the Lord’s guidance, study the Bible, and model the Fruits of the Spirit for your family on a daily basis. Your training is patient, and your discipline is loving but firm and centered on the child knowing God forgives sins but wants our repentant hearts.  

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If you are not seeing fruit in how you are guiding your children, grandchildren, or other children in our community, consider asking God to examine your heart, as the psalmist does in Psalm 139:23-24, to see if there are ways you are misaligned with God’s desires for your children or unnecessarily provoking them to anger. God is so kind to reveal areas where we may have blind spots or bad habits developed over time that are not serving us in our most important relationships.  

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God, please help us examine our hearts in the areas where we shepherd and lead. Help us see if we are training in love or making it all about us. For the fathers, help us see how we can the “lead in the way of the Master” this week in how we model our expectations and put aside any selfish or unrealistic ones that don’t align with Christ’s love. Like a quality coach, teach us to use the Bible as our playbook to shape and mold our kids, instead of coming up with our own ways to “win the game” of parenting. Jesus, please guide us down the path we should go. In your precious name we pray, Amen.