I’ve been going through a time of grieving old pieces of my life. Things that I greatly enjoyed and partially gave me my identity. After struggling with health crises over the last decade on and off, stamina and physical strength will probably never be the same as they once were. Multi-day hikes in the mountains and standing in the Kenai to flip for salmon may be things of the past, things I greatly enjoyed and spent my summers doing. Instead of weights or gym classes for workouts, I walk the track or treadmill with grey haired folks and usually give out before they do. It can be discouraging.

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To combat these feelings, I try to reframe what I expect of myself in these areas and concentrate on the many gifts that I often ignore in my “Eeyore” moments. I look at the fact that I’m even alive! I listen to children’s laughter as they play games and interact. I can cook good meals for my family. I can offer Godly counsel to people who ask. And I can still write!

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The treadmills at the gym face a large window overlooking the parking lot and mountains beyond. Many mornings I thank God for his creation while I walk or pray for the busy moms packing babies, older children, and all their equipment into the gym. Boy, do I remember those days and their challenges!

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Today at the gym, I was walking the track and wrestling with a “woe is me” moment. I felt God asking where I got my identity from and if I’d slowed down enough to really enter into relationship with him lately? Had I allowed myself to let him fill me and show me who I am in him? Although I usually spend some time in the Scriptures each day, it can become all study. I’m either preparing for a group or writing or helping my kiddos with schoolwork. That’s not really spending time hearing his voice and letting him change me with his Word, conforming me more and more to his will.

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As I focused on hearing him and slowing my mind (and people kept passing me on the track, ugh!), I saw a couple that I see regularly and felt God’s familiar nudge to pray for them. At first, I was confused, I thought I was supposed to focus on you, Lord. I thought I was supposed to be filling up with your Spirit, not pouring you out. I know this couple is in ministry (Shout out to COTR Wasilla! Keep rocking!), although I don’t know them personally, and I know they are busy with children and demands of life and...I know God’s voice.

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So, I introduced myself and prayed over them. It was a short and sweet moment and touched, they said thank you. I walked away still a bit confused but satisfied knowing I had obeyed.

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I continued my heart-to-heart with the Lord, still questioning the timing of his request of prayer with the couple. Then, everything shifted.  

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Why are you cast down, O my soul,

And why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,

my salvation and my God.

Psalm 42:11 (ESV)

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As I was mourning the loss of my physical strength and temporary self, God had just shown me my real strength, his strength! He had shown me who I really was, for eternity! I was his daughter wielding his strength for his Kingdom purposes. Who cares if I can camp out in the woods or catch a fish? What power is greater than this? What mission is more powerful? What blessing or ability should be celebrated and treasured more than carrying his hope?

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Will I miss being in the mountains and always love them? Yes. Will I look back on my time on the Kenai with fondness? Absolutely! But, should I question God’s intentions or be angry that these things are not a part of my life anymore? No. It’s a process for sure; I certainly have a long way to go, but slowly and gently he is correcting my skewed views and inviting me to a life where I see all the blessings and walk in an abundant life.  That life isn’t affected by what has been taken or what is missing. It’s a life where blessing and power from him gives meaning to everything.  

So, how about you? Are you fully alive with Christ?

What is your next step in faith and growth with him?