My testimony is one of God’s faithfulness and His ability to hold on to us through the ups and downs of life. Jesus has not given me a care-free life, but He’s faithfully walked with me through the trauma. He is my hope.
Trauma and learning to trust God are common themes in my story. Through various experiences, I learned men, God, my parents, church leaders, and friends were not to be trusted.
I first heard about the Lordship of Jesus while I was in college. Surrender was huge. I forgave my abusers, my parents, the mission board, “the church,” and God… and thought I was home free. Surely, I could forgive anything after forgiving my abusers.
The following years were full of spiritual formation. I grew closer to Jesus. I married, and we struggled with infertility. I was told this was a direct result of the sexual assault I had endured as a child. I clearly remember a night in tears prayerfully surrendering this area of life, as well. I went on to carry nine biological children – all past term. I learned God has a sense of humor.
I limped along, learning to trust God and my husband, Michael. We often talked about holding ministry, family, and relationships in open hands – allowing God complete control to move people in and out of our lives. This was terrifying for me, but I truly learned to trust and surrender.
Our experiences in the 2011, 9.1 Tohoku Earthquake settled once and for all the issue that I could deeply trust Jesus with my children – I thought.
On Oct 23, 2023 we were sitting around in the early evening. I was just about to start dinner. Michael got a phone call. He fell to the ground groaning and waving his flip phone at me. I picked up the phone and said, “Hello.”
“Hello.”
It was Carrie.
“What’s going on?”
“Don’t make me tell you. Ask Mike.”
“Mike is on the floor. I need you to tell me what is going on.”
“Josiah has been shot and…”
I felt like the “and” lasted forever…I mentally finished, “He’s in surgery.” In truth, it was a microsecond…”and he is dead.”
I told Carrie we were on our way in. On the way into town, we called our life group and each of our children. Our hearts were devastated.
As we came face to face with the man who murdered our son, sat through the trial and heard testimony from witnesses, watched a video of Josiah being killed, saw autopsy photos…my trust shattered. I KNEW God was good – but *I* didn’t know HOW to trust a God who allows his son to be tortured and murdered and allowed my son to be murdered, too. I wrestled with where He was when Josiah needed Him – He was there.
The hardest thing Jesus asked of me was to forgive our son’s murderer. It was by his grace alone I could clearly say at sentencing I had forgiven him…and it’s a process to this day.
I recently realized somewhere in the grief journey I have closed my hand around my family. I had given God “access” to move people in and out, and I didn’t like what happened. I wrestled with the sovereignty of God, and the free will of man, and I realized if I don’t settle the authority of Jesus, I can’t trust Him. If I don ‘t trust Jesus, I fear everything. I realized somewhere I had picked up the idea my relationship with Jesus is transactional. If I do all the things, he will keep my kids safe; they will all serve Jesus; we will have rainbows and unicorns all the days of our lives. BUT I know now my relationship with Jesus is not transactional; it is transformative. He uses even the very hard times, the losses, the trauma, to form me into His image. It’s a messy process. Jesus is so faithful in the process.
Life hasn’t always been easy, but this is what I KNOW…I have a Good Shepherd who loves me. He leads to the green pastures, and He leads to valleys of deep darkness. I rest in the fact that as He leads, He is THERE before me. He is faithful to stay close every day. I can trust Him. He is my Living Hope. He is my soul’s safe and strong anchor in a world that has often proven to be dangerous.
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My testimony is one of God’s faithfulness and His ability to hold on to us through the ups and downs of life. Jesus has not given me a care-free life, but He’s faithfully walked with me through the trauma. He is my hope.
Trauma and learning to trust God are common themes in my story. Through various experiences, I learned men, God, my parents, church leaders, and friends were not to be trusted.
I first heard about the Lordship of Jesus while I was in college. Surrender was huge. I forgave my abusers, my parents, the mission board, “the church,” and God… and thought I was home free. Surely, I could forgive anything after forgiving my abusers.
The following years were full of spiritual formation. I grew closer to Jesus. I married, and we struggled with infertility. I was told this was a direct result of the sexual assault I had endured as a child. I clearly remember a night in tears prayerfully surrendering this area of life, as well. I went on to carry nine biological children – all past term. I learned God has a sense of humor.
I limped along, learning to trust God and my husband, Michael. We often talked about holding ministry, family, and relationships in open hands – allowing God complete control to move people in and out of our lives. This was terrifying for me, but I truly learned to trust and surrender.
Our experiences in the 2011, 9.1 Tohoku Earthquake settled once and for all the issue that I could deeply trust Jesus with my children – I thought.
On Oct 23, 2023 we were sitting around in the early evening. I was just about to start dinner. Michael got a phone call. He fell to the ground groaning and waving his flip phone at me. I picked up the phone and said, “Hello.”
“Hello.”
It was Carrie.
“What’s going on?”
“Don’t make me tell you. Ask Mike.”
“Mike is on the floor. I need you to tell me what is going on.”
“Josiah has been shot and…”
I felt like the “and” lasted forever…I mentally finished, “He’s in surgery.” In truth, it was a microsecond…”and he is dead.”
I told Carrie we were on our way in. On the way into town, we called our life group and each of our children. Our hearts were devastated.
As we came face to face with the man who murdered our son, sat through the trial and heard testimony from witnesses, watched a video of Josiah being killed, saw autopsy photos…my trust shattered. I KNEW God was good – but *I* didn’t know HOW to trust a God who allows his son to be tortured and murdered and allowed my son to be murdered, too. I wrestled with where He was when Josiah needed Him – He was there.
The hardest thing Jesus asked of me was to forgive our son’s murderer. It was by his grace alone I could clearly say at sentencing I had forgiven him…and it’s a process to this day.
I recently realized somewhere in the grief journey I have closed my hand around my family. I had given God “access” to move people in and out, and I didn’t like what happened. I wrestled with the sovereignty of God, and the free will of man, and I realized if I don’t settle the authority of Jesus, I can’t trust Him. If I don ‘t trust Jesus, I fear everything. I realized somewhere I had picked up the idea my relationship with Jesus is transactional. If I do all the things, he will keep my kids safe; they will all serve Jesus; we will have rainbows and unicorns all the days of our lives. BUT I know now my relationship with Jesus is not transactional; it is transformative. He uses even the very hard times, the losses, the trauma, to form me into His image. It’s a messy process. Jesus is so faithful in the process.
Life hasn’t always been easy, but this is what I KNOW…I have a Good Shepherd who loves me. He leads to the green pastures, and He leads to valleys of deep darkness. I rest in the fact that as He leads, He is THERE before me. He is faithful to stay close every day. I can trust Him. He is my Living Hope. He is my soul’s safe and strong anchor in a world that has often proven to be dangerous.
Written by
Story Sunday Guest Contributor
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